What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 26.06.2025 12:07
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Who then, do I blame.?
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
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So, i spoilt her more .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
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She found it foreign!.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
My mum and dad in the seventies!
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His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I waited trembling.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
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One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
(And it was in our own minds.)
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My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Comes on , in middle age.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
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And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
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He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
She was in good health!
Would this be the day?
One cannot live in the past .
I was 9 years of age.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Why do people say "tall, dark, and handsome" when they actually mean "tall, white, and handsome"?
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
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I said to her
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
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Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I was seconnd youngest,
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
She wouldn,t have been !
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
So whats the point in blame.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I never cut or harmed myself..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
My family never makes their pension either.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I have no regrets .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
What did i know ?
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But it wasn’t much.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He knew the spot.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
This is soul school!.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
When she asked me how she looked .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
As i do to all so called friends.?
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But, we were locked up after school.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I will be 64.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Why did i forgive my father ?
But ive been too sick for many years..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I write beautiful poetry .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I was scared of men, in general
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
We all went to grammer schools
Im still living with it.
I don,t even have a pension.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Ive learnt so much.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I was very sick at this time too.
It was going to be , some day.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
She married twice! .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
And i lived it daily.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
We were not on the streets..
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
All the time i was locked up.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Was to survive, this bastard.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Put me off passion for life!!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
She loved him until the end.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I think the readers, may guess!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Especially a lifetime of it.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Im dying but, im not bitter.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
My life is so biszare .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !